Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
