It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
