a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
