we have pet lesbian snakes
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
