Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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