so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
