My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
