I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
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