I only kidnapped one of them. chill
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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