I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
