Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
