I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
