Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
