I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
