i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
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If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
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I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize