I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
