He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.