I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
