every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
