HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
