She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
