This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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