I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Randomize
