Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
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girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
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I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
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