im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
