I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Dear god my vagina.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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