I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
