there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
