drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
