Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
