True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
