my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
