I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
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