Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
