so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
