you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
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