idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
