I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
