She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
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