not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
