and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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