Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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