how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
cat food counts as protein by the way
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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