My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
why do cheetos always look like penises
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
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After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
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I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
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