I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
So squirting runs in the family.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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