I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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