tell your sister to shave her snatch
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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