i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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