But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
