I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
