how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
