I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.