Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
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Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.