Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
