I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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