Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Someone signed my nipple.
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