do herpes really smell.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
