I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Randomize
