Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
