Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
