Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
