Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
