When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
