Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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