this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
